God's Dreams, Not My Own

            Yesterday was my husband's ten year reunion for high school. We were small town high school sweethearts so I wanted to go but we could neither afford it nor did we have a desire to leave our children overnight. However, it was the perfect opportunity for the enemy to start whispering in my ear. I only wish I hadn't listened, though I am so grateful for what the Lord showed me instead. You see, I remember very well who I was in high school. Yesterday, probably better than normal with the little reminders that kept cropping up from seemingly nowhere. I was fun, vibrant, outgoing. I was in charge, knew what I wanted, how to get it, willing to work for it, determined to never be a doormat. I was always doing something and had big dreams. I was very involved in school, yearbook, sports, even ASB at one point. I wanted to be a lawyer, go to a good college, live in NYC, travel around the world. If I go married and had children, which was a huge if since I didn't want them, it would be MUCH later in my life. I pretty much imagined my life would be like a movie. I mean, what non-believing teenager doesn't? I wasn't raised in a Christian home and the values of family, home and submission were not instilled in me. I was, I am ashamed to say, openly promiscuous until I met my husband. And to me, it wasn't a big deal at the time. I had even had an abortion when I was a teen, which I still regret to this day.

            Nowadays, my idea of sparkling conversation involve diapers and what's growing in my garden. I have three children and am a stay at home mother, training, teaching, cooking and cleaning my days away. What's that compared to being a lawyer, helping others, living a big life, traveling? How can I deal with the common issues of bickering, floors that never stay clean, laundry that never stays tidy and folded, and food that always needs cooking when I was supposed to be so much more than this? What would all those other people think of me: submissive; the freak wearing a head covering and skirts; not even having finished college; home schooling; still staying in our small town and buying a house there in which to raise a family? Was this really what I wanted to show people? Never mind the fact that a lot of them know what we are doing and who we are thanks to social media. For some reason, actually seeing them made a big difference.

            My husband could see I was working up to a huge outburst so he took the children to the park. I decided to make dinner and clean the house before home school started today. Yet another thing that separated me from who I used to be: home schooling. I loved school, was always the teacher's pet and got great grades without even trying. Still feeling down and defeated, I put on my favorite worship CD and started to chop veggies for the supper I was making. Ironically, I was making stew because I sure was stewing about the life I had wanted. The life I had intended to have. The life I had given up for this one.

            Suddenly, the peace of the Lord fell upon me in a powerful way. The Lord says in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” I was right! I had given up the life I had wanted and intended for this one. And yes, it is filled with messes, bickering and irritations. But it is filled with joy, laughter, hugs, kisses and peace. I don't want to be a lawyer, a law enforcer. I want to be a grace enforcer and I get to be that to my children everyday. I don't want to miss a moment of my children's learning and I don't have to. While diapers aren't always a good topic of conversation, there is nothing wrong with finding joy in the fruit of the land that the Lord has brought us into. And that the land is in a small town where we grew up is all that much better. We can go to the exact place my husband and I met to show our children. We can continue our legacy where it started. Why would I want to live in the city surrounded by man's creation and glory when I can live in this small town surrounded by God's creation? Am I a freak for wearing skirts and a head covering as a reminder to be sweet and feminine and submit to my husband  or am I an obedient child of God doing my best to bring joy and peace into my home by following God's calling on my life? Best of all, I get to give up my dreams in favor of the Lord's dream for me. What a trade! I give up on something that would have undoubtedly brought me sorrow for something that invariably brings me joy. And I get to help three little men and my grown man to grow into the Lord's dreams for them, which is the most rewarding and demanding job I could have ever dreamed about. Truly, God's Word is true in Jer 29:11: “For I know the thoughts that I have toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”